Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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