just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
