Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
