Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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