They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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