im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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