i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
