the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
