I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
