OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Mom said you looked used
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
