The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
