haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
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I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
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I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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