I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize