The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
