You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
