my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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