Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
