At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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