I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
