thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Ketchup is God's man juice
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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