It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
