Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
