i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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