It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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