were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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