When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
