You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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