You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
