After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
