apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
