How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
