The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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