i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
