I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
