Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
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Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
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Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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