matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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