Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
