are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
