it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
They should really pass out barf bags in church
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
