Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
