I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
