I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
