is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
smell my finger.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
