allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
