i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
