Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Randomize
