Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
