fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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