I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
