I wish I could teleport
He passed out mid-signature
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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