Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
