Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
