I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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