I think im going to throw up on grandma
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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