Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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