when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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