he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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