woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
