I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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